So there you are, Drunk out of your gourd playing Truth or Dare with a bunch of hot people. Clothes are coming off, there is a healthy amount of carrying on, the drinks keep coming and so do the wild dares. You’re not sure that you’re going to be able to stay conscious, and believe me you want to. Enter the shining savior of this once-in-a-lifetime kind of evening, Irish Soda Bread. She requires no yeast, rising time, or really anything else that might keep one from making sweet, sweet…um…bread. You can go from a No-bread situation to hot steamy sustenance in less time than it takes to talk that girl over there into kissing the other one. So let’s get started, you pervert.
3 cups of whole wheat flour
1 cup of white flour
14 oz of buttermilk
1 tsp of salt
1 1/2 tsp of bicarbonate of soda
2 TBSP of butter
Variations that are highly encouraged:
5 cloves of garlic minced
2 TBSP chopped Rosemary
Here’s how you get the world to love you. Preheat the oven to 218 C (425 F). At this point someone will doubtless run by you naked. Keep your cool man, this bread isn’t going to make itself. Get out your trusty Dutch Oven. If you don’t have one of these, don’t panic. Just take a little of that butter and lightly grease a cookie sheet. Make sure you do this in slow sultry movements while looking longingly over your shoulder, just saying.
In a large bowl mix all the dry ingredients together. Drop in the butter and rub that down into the floury goodness until the whole thing becomes a crumbly mess tantamount to what’s about to happen at your party. At this point add the highly recommended garlic and rosemary.
If you think this is taking too long, keep your pants on, or don’t (I didn’t) and add the buttermilk to form a sticky dough. Flop the dough onto a floured surface and lightly knead it together making suggestive thrusting movements with your hips. Don’t knead it for long, just enough to get it mixed and to form a little ball.
Shape that little ball so there aren’t too many cracks in the top and plop it down in the middle of your dutch oven or cookie sheet. Now take up a sharp knife and cut a cross in the top of the dough. This will make it purdy.
Note: The Batter Junkie is un-responsible for your drunk ass cutting themselves while trying to bake inebriated, yet totally condones drunk meal prep.
Place the lid on the dutch oven (I’ve recently learned it is also called a bastible pot!) or an oven-safe bowl over the bread on the cookie sheet. Bake that little bastion of flavor for 30 minutes. During this time you can continue to cavort callously with your unclad company. Once the 30 minutes is up, remove the lid and any remaining clothes you and your guests may still don and bake for 15 more minutes.
When you pull it out of the oven give the bottom of the bread a playful tap. It should have a hollow sound. Pro tip: For good measure, playfully tap the bottom of your nearest reveler, as well.
Let it cool for about 10 minutes or if you are too drunk to remember, just tear into it. The only reason to wait is if you want to slice it, which I highly recommend before slathering it with butter. Eat a slice or two of this and it will give you enough energy to do whatever the evening required and by the look of it, you’ll need it.
Now you can get back to what’s important. Ok, ladies I guess a quick dip wouldn’t hurt…
A note on authenticity: Traditional Irish Soda bread does not contain butter, garlic or rosemary, but I find that these joyful little additions do not invoke the ire of my ancestors. Well, not too much.