Category Archives: butter

Irish Soda Bread

So there you are, Drunk out of your gourd playing Truth or Dare with a bunch of hot people. Clothes are coming off, there is a healthy amount of carrying on, the drinks keep coming and so do the wild dares. You’re not sure that you’re going to be able to stay conscious, and believe me you want to. Enter the shining savior of this once-in-a-lifetime kind of evening, Irish Soda Bread. She requires no yeast, rising time, or really anything else that might keep one from making sweet, sweet…um…bread. You can go from a No-bread situation to hot steamy sustenance in less time than it takes to talk that girl over there into kissing the other one. So let’s get started, you pervert.

Ingredients:
3 cups of whole wheat flour
1 cup of white flour
14 oz of buttermilk
1 tsp of salt
1 1/2 tsp of bicarbonate of soda
2 TBSP of butter

Variations that are highly encouraged:
5 cloves of garlic minced
2 TBSP chopped Rosemary

Here’s how you get the world to love you. Preheat the oven to 218 C (425 F). At this point someone will doubtless run by you naked. Keep your cool man, this bread isn’t going to make itself. Get out your trusty Dutch Oven. If you don’t have one of these, don’t panic. Just take a little of that butter and lightly grease a cookie sheet. Make sure you do this in slow sultry movements while looking longingly over your shoulder, just saying.

In a large bowl mix all the dry ingredients together. Drop in the butter and rub that down into the floury goodness until the whole thing becomes a crumbly mess tantamount to what’s about to happen at your party. At this point add the highly recommended garlic and rosemary.

If you think this is taking too long, keep your pants on, or don’t (I didn’t) and add the buttermilk to form a sticky dough. Flop the dough onto a floured surface and lightly knead it together making suggestive thrusting movements with your hips. Don’t knead it for long, just enough to get it mixed and to form a little ball.

Shape that little ball so there aren’t too many cracks in the top and plop it down in the middle of your dutch oven or cookie sheet.  Now take up a sharp knife  and cut a cross in the top of the dough. This will make it purdy.

Note: The Batter Junkie is un-responsible for your drunk ass cutting themselves while trying to bake inebriated, yet totally condones drunk meal prep.

Place the lid on the dutch oven (I’ve recently learned it is also called a bastible pot!) or an oven-safe bowl over the bread on the cookie sheet. Bake that little bastion of flavor for 30 minutes. During this time you can continue to cavort callously with your unclad company.  Once the 30 minutes is up, remove  the lid and any remaining clothes you and your guests may still don and bake for 15 more minutes.

When you pull it out of the oven give the bottom of the bread a playful tap. It should have a hollow sound. Pro tip: For good measure, playfully tap the bottom of your nearest reveler, as well.

Let it cool for about 10 minutes or if you are too drunk to remember, just tear into it. The only reason to wait is if you want to slice it, which I highly recommend before slathering it with butter. Eat a slice or two of this and it will give you enough energy to do whatever the evening required and by the look of it, you’ll need it.

Happy eating.

Now you can get back to what’s important. Ok, ladies I guess a quick dip wouldn’t hurt…
A note on authenticity: Traditional Irish Soda bread does not contain butter, garlic or rosemary, but I find that these joyful little additions do not invoke the ire of my ancestors. Well, not too much.

Enjoy.

Alfajores

The oft mentioned Beth has once again come up with an amazing addition to the blog. Alfajores are cookies that are usually traced back to Moorish origin, however, they were made famous in the country of Argentina. Beth entered into a long-term relationship with these cookies which has endured the years. They’re very happy together.

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter (room temp)
1/2 cup sugar
4 egg yolks
1 tsp vanilla
2 TBS brandy
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 cups flour
1 cup corn starch
1/8 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
3/4 cup grated coconut
1 can condensed milk made into dulce de leche

The first thing you have to do it make the dough. If you don’t you’ll find yourself in the unfortunate situation we did, wherein we were forced to sit on the deck in the sun and drink cocktails for 2 hours. You have been warned, do not fall prey to the same fate as these depraved souls!

To make the dough, cream the butter and the sugar. This really means to mix up, preferably in a mixer. I used the trusty Kitchen-Aid but if you don’t have one, make sure that your butter is room temp. If it isn’t at room temp, break it up with forks and squish/mix the sugar into it. I would put on some mixin’ music, something like “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate.

Once the butter is creamed add the egg yolks, vanilla, brandy, and lemon zest. In another bowl mix up the flour, salt, cornstarch and baking powder. Now combine the wet with the dry!

Those should all be rolled all up into this amazing ball. Once you have a nice ball, fridge that saucy sweater monster for about 2 hours. The next thing is easy. Get out a pie pan and open the condensed milk. Pour it into the pie pan and cover with foil. Place that whole thing in a deep tray and fill half way up the pie pan with boiling water. Take that tray and put it in the oven for about 45 minutes. We’re making the gooey middle of the cookie here, just bear with me.

 

Now assuming that the your dough has been chilling for about 2 hours, take it out, flour a surface and roll it out baby! You want your dough about 1/4 -1/2 inch thick. Then cut cookies out of it. I used a wine glass. I later used it for another purpose.

Bake the cookies for about 10 minutes in a 400 F (205 C) degree oven. Once they are done, let em cool a bit. Take the condensed milk out of oven. If it is thick and gooey, you’re done. If still kind of watery keep cookin’. So many things in like are like that! Then set up your alfajores cookie-makin-station. A pile of coconut, dulce de leche (your baked condensed milk) and the cooked cookies.

Take a spatula and cover the cookie with the dulce. Smash another cookie on top of it. Like this:

Then take it for a proverbial naughty “roll in the coconut.”

And now, you are done done done. Try desperately not to eat them all in one sitting.

Dinner Rolls/Rich Bread

Wow has it really been that long since I’ve posted? Sorry I was abducted by a pack of wild pygmy children while exploring the jungles of Malaysia. Luckily I fashioned wings out of some extra thick bread dough and was able to make good my escape! I thought in celebration I would use this post to extol the virtues of the dinner roll/bread dough that saved me. They are one of the many dishes for which my mother is known and are nothing less than magical.

Ingredients:
1 Tbsp dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1/2 cup melted butter
1 1/2 cups warm milk 37 C (100 F)
2 large eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
6 cups or so of flour

Pour the warm water in a large bowl and dissolve the yeast in the water. It will start to bubble a little bit. Then, slowly add the butter, warm milk, two large eggs, salt and sugar.

Now slowly add the flour a cup at a time. It may only take 5 cups, you won’t know until you try it. It varies from location to location based on humidity, the alignment of the planets, and whether or not you’ve read the Da Vinci code. I added 3 cups whole wheat and three cups white flour to this particular batch.

Mix well until you have a soft squishy dough. You have to be careful that it is not over-floured. Knead it for a few minutes until the dough is just a tiny bit sticky but holds its form.

Then put it in a bowl cover and set in a warm place to rise for about 1 and 1/2 hours.

Once your dough is nice and poofy and has about doubled in size, (most things don’t double in size when you leave them alone for 2 hours…) you can make it into rolls or braided bread.

Here Marissa shows you how to roll one of the three braids.

Here I show you how NOT to roll one of the three braids. Once you have your three trouser (I mean..,bread) snakes all ready to go, put them on a cookie sheet and pinch all three together at one end. Then alternate bringing the left and right braids over the middle one until you have exhausted your full length.

It should look like this. If it looks like a penis, I’m not going to judge but the picture above is your aim. Crack an egg into a bowl and using a pastry brush, baste that braided shaft with your sticky egg wash. After the bread is sufficiently soaked in eggy-regret pop it in the oven.

Cook for about 190 C (375 F) for 45 minutes.

Check if it is done by piercing the bread with a tooth pick. If it comes out clean, your bread is done.  If you’ve made a penis shape you’ll effectively be giving it a Prince Albert. (If you don’t know what that is, why are you reading this blog?)

Enjoy junkies!